me, lately

introspective thoughts out loud

i’ve been in such a weird funk lately, a funk that can be described as this state of yearning for connection with family, friends, strangers, etc., but at the same time longing to be alone. it’s such a push and pull feeling. i love being around people, i want to talk to everyone, connect with strangers on the subway or at a restaurant, talk about anything, hear people out or over-explain a niche i know to a poor bastard who bothers to listen. but just as those feelings rush in, another one engulfs it like a flash flood, this sense that i’m a bother, or that i just want to be alone with my own silence.

i’ve been learning a lot about myself lately. earlier this year i got a therapist, her name is… mandy. mandy is actually my age, 32, and i knew she’d be the right fit for me right off the bat from our first call. she told me flat out, “ozy, i don’t bullshit. i come with facts, honesty, and tell it like it is.” music to my ears. i’d done therapy before, but it was literally just two sessions with a therapist who seemed like he didn’t want to be there. i was scared of opening up to someone, but in very me fashion i quickly realized… wait a minute, i’m paying this chick to listen to my bullshit, might as well get my money’s worth.

so i started yapping away to mandy, telling her everything, stuff i’ve never told anyone before. it also helped that mandy’s a woman; i’ve always found talking to women easier than men, especially when it’s about more emotionally charged topics. the more i talked out loud about what i was feeling, the more i started to really see myself for the first time. it was such an eye-opening experience, really sitting with the silence that followed the words i was speaking about myself. the more i went on, the more i wondered why i wasn’t feeling shame. it was so liberating just being honest with someone about how i felt or the things i went through. it did something to me.

i’ve always been self-conscious about being perceived or what others thought of me. it’s something that has gotten better, but i’m obviously still working on it. i usually try to hide behind my humor and vulgarness to shine the light away from how i’m really feeling. i never want to drag someone down the alleyway i’ve fallen into. a signature move of mine is telling friends whenever i feel sad or cried about something, i always mention it with a joke or a smile, as if i want them to know i’m going through it but don’t want them to experience it.

these last few months have been the most honest i’ve ever been with my friends and my parents about how i feel, my emotions, and the things i’m struggling with. in return, it’s been the closest i’ve felt to both of them, something i don’t take for granted, and even now writing this i’m getting emotional. it’s such a liberating feeling to finally be honest with yourself to the point where you feel comfortable being honest with others. when we lie to others about what’s going on inside, we lie to ourselves first.

fin.